


Don't Hold Back

by adamprrishcycle



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 09:46:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7097470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamprrishcycle/pseuds/adamprrishcycle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a 5 part fic that I posted on tumblr a few months back that originally started off as a one-shot, but quickly escalated because of Kavinsky and his goddamn dream pills. It focuses on Pynch finding their feet in their new found relationship, but I should point out that I wrote it pre-trk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Adam climbed into the bed and pulled the sheet aside, indicating for Ronan to get in too. Ronan was used to sleeping in Adam’s attic apartment, he’d done it more times than he could remember. Adam would let him in, he’d grab the spare pillow and blanket which they both pretended were spare and weren’t kept there just for him and then he’d crash on the floor. 

But it was different now. Now he slept in the bed with Adam. He would lie on his back, hardly daring to breath until Adam initiated some kind of bodily contact. He would pull Ronan close to him, or stretch an arm across him. Sometimes he would roll onto his stomach and lean on his elbows, his chin in his hands, looking across at Ronan. Sometimes he’d kiss him. 

In these moments, Ronan didn’t think he could possibly be happier. His fingers itched to touch Adam, to kiss him more, to make him feel good. But he held back, constantly fearing Adam didn’t want him to. He never wanted Adam to feel uncomfortable because of him. So he let him initiate everything. 

Tonight was no different. They’d argued earlier at Monmouth. It was something petty and they’d snapped at each other back and forth until Gansey had told them to stop, and then Adam had left. But they both knew Ronan would be at his door later that evening. It was just routine now.

Adam opened the door and let Ronan in. Ronan complained, Adam listened. Then Adam talked about work, and Ronan listened. Neither of them apologized about earlier because they didn’t need to.

Ronan climbed into the bed and pulled the sheet up, careful not to pull too much of it away from Adam. He exhaled up at the slanted ceiling and he felt Adam’s eyes on him. He tried to concentrate on the cracks in the plaster that zigzagged out like rivers on a map above him.

“What are you thinking about?” Adam asked, his voice barely a whisper.

Ronan dared himself to look at him. “Don’t try that pillow talk bullshit on me,” he said and a smile spread across his face as Adam’s eyes lit up in a grin.

“Sorry. I forgot you’re not an intellectual, Lynch. Should I just jump you instead?” Adam joked. 

“Fuck off, as if you’re an intellectual,” Ronan retorted as he felt his cheeks redden at the latter part of Adam’s comment. Adam laughed lightly and shifted closer to Ronan but didn’t touch him. Ronan was hyper-aware of his close proximity.

“Have you done that American Lit essay?” Adam asked. It was too much of an ordinary question to be spoken so intimately.

In response, Ronan snorted. “Of course, and did I also tell you I’m running for President?”

“Ronan,” Adam scolded, but his heart wasn’t in it, unlike Gansey who loved to pester Ronan about his school work. 

“One day I’ll be telling the truth when I say something like this and you-” Without a word, Adam put his hand on Ronan’s bare chest, causing Ronan to shut up abruptly.

“And I’ll what?” He asked, looking across at Ronan as he began to circle his fingers softly, seemingly unaware of the effect he was having.

In his head, Ronan said _“fuck you, you beautiful bastard,”_ but out loud he said: “crush my soul by not believing me.” 

Adam laughed lightly and Ronan swallowed hard. Then Adam leaned across and kissed him, lingering there with his hand still on his chest. In the darkness, Ronan wondered if moments like this were what black and white photographs were made of. He quickly pushed the thought away. _When had he gotten so fucking sappy?_

He lifted his hand slowly and placed it on the side of Adam’s face, feeling his heat and a light scattering of stubble underneath his fingertips. Adam kissed him harder then and threw one leg over him lazily, pressing him into the mattress.

“Don’t hold back,” he breathed, pulling away momentarily. He planted another heavy kiss against Ronan’s lips before adding, “I want this.”

Ronan’s heart raced the way it did when he broke the speed limit on the long, winding roads above Henrietta. He lifted his hands up, allowing them to graze up Adam’s body before he got to his head where he laced his fingers into his hair. 

Then Adam pulled away from Ronan’s lips and Ronan found himself lifting his head to reach him again, pulling Adam back towards him. But Adam resisted and leant down, kissing Ronan’s neck and Ronan had to let go of his hair then for fear that he might pull it as Adam’s lips made their way down his throat then up again.

“Say something,” Adam whispered in his ear, his breath hot and close.

“What do you want me to say?” Ronan asked, amazed that he could find his own voice.

“Tell me how you feel. Tell me how this feels,” he replied and kissed along Ronan’s shoulder. 

“I feel like I’m in a dream,” Ronan mumbled, distracted by Adam and his hand that had now made it’s way down to his waist. 

“I thought you knew when you were awake and when you were asleep?” Adam asked, his tone teasing, repeating something Ronan had said to him previously.

“I thought I did too,” Ronan said, “but this is different.”

Adam pressed himself against Ronan as he kissed the hollow of his throat and Ronan bit back a groan.

“How is this real?” He breathed, barely catching his breath. “It’s you.”

“’Course it’s me,” Adam murmured before lifting his face to Ronan’s again. “And I don’t know how many dreams you’ve had like this, that you could mistake it for one.” He was smiling and his hair had fallen forward, gathering around his face. Ronan took a picture of it in his mind. “But it’s not a dream this time. I promise.”

He leaned down and kissed Ronan again and Ronan closed his eyes, letting the sensations and the overwhelming, unrelenting happiness wash over him in waves.

_Maybe there were good things left in the world,_ he thought. Then Adam’s lips found their way to his stomach and his fingers found his hips and the world fell away.


	2. Chapter 2

The next night at Nino’s, Ronan could hardly think straight. The five of them sat at their usual table near the back and Noah looked convincingly solid and human beside him. Adam sat across the table, his hair a glowing halo on his head. He must have washed it after his shift at the garage.

Ronan wondered if he’d washed away the memory of last night as well. He wondered if Adam remembered the way he had kissed him and touched him. He wondered if he was losing sleep wondering where they stood with each other now.

Gansey had his notebook laid out on the table and he was talking but Ronan could hardly hear him. He kept glancing at Adam who kept looking up from the notebook to catch his eye before looking away again. It was maddening.

“… Looks like trouble,” he heard Gansey finish and he noticed he had now closed the book.

“Well, he’s your friend, Ronan,” Noah said beside him and he looked from Gansey then to Noah.

“What?” He asked, frowning. His eyes flicked to Adam who was looking across the room, frowning slightly.

“In your own little world, Ronan?” Blue asked, smirking.

“No, I just didn’t hear what you were talking about,” Ronan snapped defensively. Everyone suddenly looked where Adam was looking, even Noah who leaned around Ronan to see, before sitting back again.

“Evening, ladies,” Came a cold and familiar voice.

“Hello, Joseph,” Gansey said politely but he had a strained look on his face. Blue was openly glaring, while Adam simply regarded him coolly. Ronan didn’t bother turning to look at Kavinsky, but soon had no choice as he walked closer to the table for all of them to behold. Noah made a gagging sound, but Kavinsky didn’t react. He probably couldn’t see or hear him, and if he did, he decided to ignore him.

“Isn’t this fucking cosy?” Kavinsky sneered. “Dick Gansey and his merry men.” He turned to Blue. “Apologies, babe.”

Blue looked disgusted. “Don’t call me that,” she said furiously and Kavinsky smirked, enjoying himself.

“Can we help you with something?” Gansey asked, remaining calm but Ronan could see a muscle working in his jaw.

“You can’t. I came over to see Lynch actually,” he replied and Ronan met his eyes for the first time.

“'Course you did,” Adam muttered, just loud enough for Kavinsky to hear and his head snapped back to him.

“What was that, Parrish?” Kavinsky asked.

“Nothing,” Adam said, a small smile playing on his lips as he looked up at Kavinsky.

“That’s what I thought, you white trash piece of shit,” Kavinsky hissed. Ronan and Gansey were both on their feet in a second and Ronan was thankful Gansey loved Adam almost as much as he did.

“Outside. Now,” Ronan said, already coming out from behind the table. Kavinsky was grinning.

“Ronan-” Adam tried to protest but Ronan shot him a look.

“He’s not worth it, Ronan,” Gansey said, still standing. Blue looked apprehensive and she had a hand on Adam’s wrist.

Kavinsky leaned in close to Ronan and he could smell the last cigarette he’d smoked. “Go on, run back to daddy,” he whispered. Ronan pulled away and looked at Gansey, careful to avoid Adam’s eye.

“It’s alright. I’ll be back in a second,” he said before starting off through the restaurant, weaving between the tables until he got to the back door. He exited the building, exchanging the sound of voices and laughter for the sound of cars waiting in traffic beside the parking lot.

He stopped a little way off from the door and turned to face Kavinsky. He watched as he got a cigarette and a lighter from his back pocket and lit it, inhaling deeply. Seconds later smoke unfurled from his nostrils like a dragon.

“You’re lucky I’m not gonna beat the shit out of you right here,” Ronan snarled.

Kavinsky smiled around the cigarette before catching it between two fingers and pulling it from between his lips. “I’m all yours,” he said.

Ronan ignored him. “What do you want?” He demanded.

“I’ve got something for you,” Kavinsky said seriously and he put his hand into his back pocket again and pulled out a small tin that looked like it belonged in a sewing box to hold pins. He held it out to Ronan who took it and turned it round between his fingers. Something inside rattled.

“Open it,” Kavinsky prompted.

Ronan gave him a suspicious look before unscrewing the lid. Inside there were two orange pills.

“I don’t know what the fuck this is, but I don’t want it,” said Ronan as he put the lid back on and thrust it back at Kavinsky. He stepped out of Ronan’s reach and took another drag of his cigarette, smirking.

“You do. Trust me, you do,” he said.

“Take it back. I don’t want it,” Ronan insisted through clenched teeth. He’d had enough of Kavinsky’s dream pills to last a lifetime.

Kavinsky made no move to retrieve it.“Don’t you at least want to know what it does?”

“Did you dream it up?” Ronan asked, although he already knew the answer. Kavinsky nodded. “Then no, I don’t want to know.”

“Fine,” Kavinsky said calmly and he dropped his unfinished cigarette to the floor and stepped on it, dragging his foot backwards, leaving a smear of ash. “Don’t use it, flush it for all I care.” He was still smirking. “I don’t want it back though. I’ve got plenty, if you know what I mean,” he said. Ronan did. He began to walk away backwards. “But if you do use it, think of me.” He turned away and walked through the maze of cars in the lot, disappearing from Ronan’s sight.

Ronan sighed and opened the tin again. He extracted one of the two pills and examined it. It was a perfect oval with flattened edges and there was a word carved on both sides in tiny letters. Ronan moved closer to the motion sensor light by the door and looked closer.

He was almost certain it said his name but he couldn’t be entirely sure. He stuffed it back in the tin, shoved the tin into the pocket of his jacket, then headed back into the restaurant. He made his way back over to his friends. They had their eyes on him from the second he walked back in.

Gansey spoke as he approached the table. “So what was that all about?” Ronan slid back into his seat. His eyes flicked to Adam who was looking concerned. He wanted to take his hand, get up and leave but he felt that despite what they’d done the night before, despite what they’d said, a barrier had been built up between them once again. Maybe it hadn’t been enough.

“He wanted to give me pills,” he said, tearing his gaze from him.

“You didn’t take any, did you?” Blue asked.

“He wouldn’t take them back,” he snapped, “but I’m not fucking stupid.” Blue looked slightly stung and Ronan found himself almost wanting to apologize.

“Was that it?” Adam asked and Ronan looked at him again.

“Yes, Parrish,” he replied slowly as though Adam was a small child who might find it difficult to understand him. “Now would you all stop quizzing me?” He looked from Adam, to Blue, to Gansey, then finally to Noah beside him. “Talk about being dead or something, Noah. I’m sure that’s thrilling.”

“Ronan,” Gansey said, a warning in his tone. Ronan didn’t know why he was so angry. Kavinsky was just too good at winding him up. And he was annoyed at Blue for thinking he’d take the pills, even though he had done. And he was irritated with Adam for thinking he was hiding something else, for making him constantly question what he did and the way he felt and for being so fucking hard to read.

“Well,” said Noah, unfazed. “I’m invisible to Kavinsky, so it’s not all bad.”

Ronan decided he’d already gone too far so it wouldn’t hurt to make things a little worse. “I was joking. No one fucking cares.”

“Ronan, that’s enough,” Gansey said firmly.

“Alright, mom,” Ronan said sarcastically, getting to his feet. He couldn’t look Adam in the eye and he couldn’t even bring himself to look in Noah’s direction so he glared at Gansey, just to have something to do, then he left.


	3. Chapter 3

Adam watched Ronan disappear through the front door of Nino’s, before looking back at Noah. But Noah had gone. He quickly looked to Blue and Gansey who were looking equally as concerned as he was. 

“Why is he like that?” Blue said softly, staring at the spot where Noah had been mere seconds ago. 

Adam rubbed his temples. He had a headache. He thought back to the night before, to the Ronan who waited for Adam to make the first move and only spoke in whispers that tickled against Adam’s skin. Somehow, that was the same person who just raised his voice and stormed out of Nino’s.

Gansey got to his feet. “I should go after him,” he said, pulling his jacket on.

“No,” Adam stood up quickly, “I’ll go. He’ll be expecting you.”

“Alright,” Gansey agreed, “just make sure he gets home safely.” 

Adam said goodbye to them both, then left the crowded restaurant. It had started to drizzle outside and he squinted across the parking lot but Ronan was nowhere to be seen. He walked over to his car that was parked next to the pig. Gansey had given Blue and Ronan a lift here.

He reversed out of the parking space and was turning out onto the road when he saw Ronan walking away along the side walk. He slowed down as he approached him and rolled the window down. 

“Ronan,” he called. Ronan visibly startled at the sound of his name and and looked over at him, coming to a stop. Adam stopped his car. “Get in,” he said.

Ronan rolled his eyes dramatically.

“I’m serious. Don’t be an idiot,” Adam said and to his surprise Ronan opened the passenger door and climbed in without a fight. He slumped back against the headrest looking defeated. All Adam wanted to do was ask him if he was okay but he held back, remembering the way Noah had looked before he disappeared.

“You really upset Noah, you know,” he said, keeping his eyes on the road as he drove on. 

“He’ll get over it,” Ronan said dismissively, “he always does.” 

“That’s not an excuse,” Adam replied, breaking hard at a set of traffic lights that suddenly changed to red.

“I didn’t intend it to be,” Ronan said coldly. Adam looked over at him, his face bathed in the red light. He looked dangerous. Adam knew he should be angry at him for what he’d said to Noah, but he couldn’t help it, he knew he’d already forgiven him. He sat with one arm bent behind him on the head rest and his long legs were stretched out in the footwell. It was strange that only last night they’d been pressed skin to skin and now Adam didn’t even feel like he could take his hand.

“So what did Kavinsky give you?” He asked, changing the subject and speeding away as the lights turned to green. Ronan reached into his pocket and pulled out a small silver tin. He unscrewed the lid and inside sat two bright orange pills with tiny letters scratched into them.

“Did he…” Adam started, unsure how to word the act of creating something from a dream, “make it?” He finished, hoping Ronan would understand what he meant.

“He dreamt it,” Ronan confirmed. Adam was torn between trying to watch the road and trying to look at the pills.

“What does it say on them?” He asked, still trying to get a better look.

“My name,” Ronan said without flinching as though it was normal for terrible boys to extract orange pills with your name on from their dreams. Adam had always suspected how Kavinsky felt for Ronan. He always had a look on his face like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to kill Ronan or kiss him. Adam stared at the road, squeezing the steering wheel hard. He wondered if Ronan reciprocated the feelings. Why should Ronan only want Adam when he could have anyone? 

Ronan had picked one of the pills up and was looking at it between his fingers. It took everything in Adam not to snatch if from him and throw it out of the window. He scowled at the road.

“What does it do?” He asked, trying to sound casual enough that Ronan wouldn’t get defensive and close off completely.

“I’ve got no idea. He didn’t tell me, he just said-” he seemed to cut off short, then muttered, “he didn’t say.” Adam decided not to question him further about it. He didn’t need to know what it did to hate it. 

“It might kill you,” he said firmly and Ronan laughed sharply.

“It won’t.”

“It might.”

“Okay, it might. If I take it.” 

Adam glanced at him. “Promise me you won’t take it.”

“I don’t make promises,” Ronan said simply and he tucked the tin back into his pocket. If Adam hadn’t been driving he might have throttled him. 

“Fucking hell,” he muttered angrily. He saw Ronan smirk in the corner of his eye and he pressed the accelerator pedal harder, speeding through the centre of Henrietta.

They finally arrived at Monmouth Manufacturing and Adam parked with vicious precision, daring Ronan to make a comment. He switched the engine off and turned to face him.

“Give me the pills,” he demanded. 

“Fuck off,” Ronan said but he was smirking. “Get your own.” He opened the car door but Adam quickly leaned across him and slammed it shut again. He tried to ignore the brief press of Ronan’s thighs against him.

“I’m being serious. I don’t trust you with them,” he said, sitting up straight again.

“I don’t really care to be honest, Parrish,” Ronan said, “‘cause believe it or not, I’m capable of looking after myself.”

Adam snorted. ”Don’t act like you don’t make bad decisions,” he shot back and he felt anger prickle slyly up his spine.

“I’m not, but don’t act like you’ve never pushed me to make them,” Ronan said, his voice low and so vicious it could cut throats.

“So you’re gonna take them because I told you not to? That’s really mature, Ronan,” Adam said. Ronan stared openly at him with a look of such utter disgust and disdain that he gave in and had to look away. Ronan could win with just a look. Adam was just good at making people angry. He turned and placed his hands on the steering wheel.

“Get out of my car,” he said, gripping the wheel until his knuckles were white. 

Ronan got out without saying a word, but the force with which he slammed the door said enough. The noise ricocheted up through Adam’s ribcage, rattling his skull, reminding him of his headache. He bowed his head and massaged his forehead. When he looked out of the window again, Ronan was gone.

***

All Ronan wanted to do was get in his car and drive, but Adam was still in the parking lot and he couldn’t face him. He paced the room, flexing his hands. 

He needed to release what he was feeling. He turned and kicked one of Gansey’s cardboard buildings but it wasn’t enough. He went over to Gansey’s desk and kicked it as hard as he could over and over again until everything on top of it had toppled over, the mint plant fell to the floor, the pot smashing into pieces. The draws shuddered and rocked forwards off their runners and the contents of paper fluttered across the floor. 

He hoped Gansey would be furious with him. He wanted him to get in his face and shout at him, he wanted a reason to be angry at someone other than himself. When he was angry with someone else he could shout at them, he could punch them. But when he was angry with himself, all that he could do was sit there, trying to avoid sleep because sleep would bring the night horrors.

Suddenly his phone vibrated in his pocket. It was Gansey.

_“Are you home?”_

Ronan’s hands shook as he positioned his fingers to type a reply but he quickly changed his mind and instead locked the phone and went into his room.

Chainsaw greeted him with a happy caw as he entered the room and he approached her cage, checking she had enough water before opening the door. She hopped onto his shoulder and the grip of her talons on his shoulder reassured him momentarily.

“Are you alright?” He whispered. He stroked her feathers with the back of his finger before lifting her back into her cage. She gurgled happily and started ripping up a piece of newspaper.

His phone vibrated again.

_“If you don’t reply, I’m coming home right now to make sure you’re okay.”_

Ronan sighed and tapped out a reply, sinking onto his bed.

_“i’m lying dead in a ditch”_

He dropped his phone next to him and pulled his jacket off, reaching into his pocket for the silver tin. He opened it to look inside. The pills Kavinksy had given him before simply sent him to sleep. How different could these be? He peered closer at the small engraving, which he was now certain said his name. Why would Kavinsky go to the trouble of dreaming up pills with Ronan’s name on just to kill him? He knew he was more fun to Kavinsky alive than dead. 

The phone lit up again beside him.

_“I’m gonna take that as “I’m home and safely tucked up in bed” see you later.”_

He put his phone on his bedside table along with the pill tin and he lay back staring at the ceiling.

“Ronan,” came a whisper. Ronan lifted his head to see a dark shape standing in the doorway. It was Noah. “Oh, I thought you might be asleep,” he continued.

“No, I only just lay down,” Ronan said sounding more annoyed than he felt. He instantly felt bad. Noah wasn’t quite whole, the edges of his form were frayed and fuzzy and his skin was paler than Ronan had ever seen it. “I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry. And I’m sorry about earlier too,” he said, sitting up.

Something light flickered across Noah’s face.

“It’s okay,” he replied in barely more than a whisper. But Ronan knew that it wasn’t. He lay back down and Noah moved across the room looking more ghostly than ever. He lay down beside Ronan, joining the ceiling staring game.

“It’s Adam, isn’t it?” Noah said softly.

Ronan turned to stare at him, giving the ceiling a break. “What?” He asked.

“You know what I mean,” Noah replied.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Ronan said quietly.

Noah ignored him. “Does he know?” He asked.

Ronan thought for a moment about Adam kissing him, not just last night but a few times prior to that. Their first kiss at the foot of the stairs at St. Agnes, where Adam had stood a step above Ronan so they were the same height. “Kind of,” he said, “I don’t know.”

“He’s still out there,” Noah said.

“He doesn’t want to see me.”

“Then why’s he still here?”

“The fuck should I know? He’s probably waiting for Gansey or maybe his car broke down, it’s a piece of shit after all,” Ronan replied.

“Why don’t you go out and ask?“ Noah was staring at the ceiling again.

"Can you just drop it,” Ronan snapped, “please,” he added. So Noah did. He got off the bed and left the room, leaving Ronan in an empty silence, the darkness covering him like a blanket.


	4. Chapter 4

It was still raining outside at 4am when Ronan left Monmouth Manufacturing. Adam had finally driven off hours ago before Gansey got back and now the parking lot was as it should be, the BMW and Gansey’s Camaro sitting neatly beside each other. Orange and black. 

But Ronan was soon to disrupt it as he stalked across the concrete, his footsteps ringing out over the soft fall of the rain. He’d given in eventually and taken one of the orange pills. He’d swallowed it dry and waited. He waited and waited and all he could think about was Adam. But nothing happened. 

His clothes were soaked by the time he got into his car and he quickly pulled his leather jacket off, throwing it onto the passenger seat.

Then he drove. He knew where he was going but he took the longest route to get there, racing down the deserted streets. He revelled in the roar of the engine beneath him and the way the stick shift shook violently without his hand resting on it. He had the windscreen wipers on as fast as they would go but his vision was still restricted and when he finally pulled up outside St. Agnes church, he was out of breath.

He switched the engine off and got out, the rain dripping down his back uncomfortably. He entered the front door of the church and stood for a moment in the silent darkness of the small entrance hall. Then he turned and headed upstairs.

He knocked on the first door on his left and as he waited, he attempted to wipe the rain from his face. He knocked again, louder this time. He heard a thud inside and waited hopefully. 

There was another thud and a bang and then a fumbling with the key in the lock and then the door opened.

Adam was standing in faded grey pyjama pants and a t-shirt, rubbing his eyes. He’d obviously been fast asleep.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, looking Ronan up and down. “You’re absolutely soaked. What’s wrong with you?” 

“Can I, uh, come in?” Ronan asked awkwardly. He usually just barged in no matter the late hour, but he felt the need to ask this time.

“You know it’s four in the morning, right?” Adam said but he stood back and let Ronan in before closing the door behind him.

“Yeah, I know,” Ronan replied.

“Do you want some dry clothes?” Adam asked, crossing his arms over his chest as he walked to the middle of the room where Ronan stood.

“No, I’m fine,” Ronan said. “I just came here because I-” He rubbed his hands over his face again and sat down on Adam’s bed.

“You’re gonna get my bed all wet,” Adam said irritably.

“Sorry.” Ronan jumped up. He knew he would usually have lay back to ensure he got Adam’s bed as wet as possible but he just wasn’t in the mood. Adam seemed to realise this too and narrowed his eyes at him.

“Are you alright?” He asked. “If this is about earlier… It doesn’t matter. I was wrong, you’re capable of making your own decisions and it’s none of my business.” He still stood staring at Ronan who was now also standing and looking quite uncomfortable.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Ronan replied and he smiled a little, attempting to act more casual. “I just wanted to see you.”

“See me?” Adam questioned, looking confused. Ronan lost the ability to smile again.

“It doesn’t matter. You know what-” he started towards the door and had to stop himself from sprinting. 

“Ronan,” Adam said and he paused by the door, turning to face him. He would never get used to Adam saying his name, no matter how many times he heard him say it. “I’m glad you came. I wanted to see you too.” He continued, swallowing visibly.

Ronan knew he should make a sarcastic comment or leave before he did something wrong, but instead he stepped hesitantly closer to Adam and in response, Adam did the same. 

This time Ronan kissed Adam. He placed one hand on his cheek, the other on the side of his neck and he kissed him softly, trying not to shake. He pulled away.

“I was hoping you were gonna do that,” Adam whispered. Ronan let his hands run down Adam’s body, until they stopped on his lower back and he tentatively kissed his cheeks, then his jawline, then slowly down his throat. Adam was letting out small gasping breaths until Ronan couldn’t resist it any longer and kissed his mouth again. 

Adam tugged at the front of Ronan’s wet shirt and Ronan found himself pulling away while Adam tried relentlessly to bring him closer again. Ronan kept this up for a few seconds only allowing Adam to peck him before he gave in and pressed forward letting Adam kiss him properly. He knew Adam was fighting for dominance. It was odd really, knowing Adam to be such a gentle person and then having him be so confident and commanding when they were alone like this. Though Ronan had never known him to be this insistent. But he had to admit, he kind of liked it.

Once he had surrendered to him completely, Adam moved his lips to his ear to speak softly. “If you take your wet clothes off, I’ll let you get in my bed.”

Ronan had to pull away to look him in the eye to be certain he’d heard what he’d just said. Adam grinned and pulled Ronan’s top up and over his head. He dropped it to the floor and kissed him again, his hands running over his chest, his shoulders, his back.

“Come on,” he murmured against Ronan’s lips and he grazed his thumb along his hipbone, before pushing it underneath the waistband of Ronan’s jeans, tugging gently. “Take them off,” he whispered and he stepped away leaving Ronan with some space to shakily remove his jeans. 

Adam got into bed without another word and Ronan hesitated, uncertain. He still felt bad about earlier and he wanted to apologize. 

“Parrish, I-” Ronan began, although he wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to say. He had taken one of the pills when Adam had asked him not to.

“Don’t say anything,” Adam interrupted him quickly. “I don’t know what you’re gonna say but when we talk, we fight. So just, don’t.” He stared at Ronan, pleading with his eyes. Ronan knew he was right so he turned the light off and got into the bed.

“I wasn’t going to say anything bad,” he said settling onto his side so he could look at Adam. 

“I don’t want you to say anything at all right now, I want you to kiss me.” Adam’s eyes reflected some light that Ronan couldn’t identify in the room and he could just make out the soft curve of his mouth.

When Ronan didn’t move, Adam rolled his eyes and grabbed him by the back of his neck, crushing their lips together with bruising force. He climbed on top of him but stayed on his hands and knees, his mouth the only thing that was touching Ronan. It was another version of the power plays that Ronan was learning to understand that Adam loved and he didn’t need telling what to do in response, it was automatic. He reached up and curled his fingers into the material of Adam’s shirt and tugged him down towards him as he simultaneously pulled his leg up and shoved his knee into Adam’s knee, causing him to lose his balance and collapse on top of him.

When Adam laughed against his lips, he only kissed him harder.

“You’re getting good at this,” he muttered.

“I thought we weren’t talking,” Ronan breathed back.

“And since when have you ever listened to anything I’ve said?” 

“I didn’t take them,” Ronan snapped, referring to the orange pills. It was such a blatant lie, he froze. He didn’t know how a lie had managed to leave his mouth, especially in front of Adam who pulled away from him.

“I don’t want to talk about this again,” Adam replied seriously and Ronan nodded quickly, already ready to drop it. To his surprise, Adam’s face broke into an easy smile again. 

“I tell you what,” he said, “let’s play a game. You don’t talk unless I let you.”

Ronan nodded again, not trusting himself to speak, trying to push the lie out of his head. It occurred to him how stupid he must look, lying here, nodding at everything Adam said. It also crossed his mind that it was funny that Kavinsky thought Ronan was Gansey’s bitch, when really he was Adam’s. He suddenly decided the whole thing was hilarious and he couldn’t help smirking.

“What?” Adam asked, smiling wider at Ronan’s expression but when Ronan started to speak, he clamped his hand over his mouth.

“Have you forgotten the rules already?” He asked. “Don’t speak. Unless I say you can,” he paused, “nod if it’s okay.”

Ronan nodded again, pleasure pooling up in his stomach.

Adam watched him for a few seconds before kissing his neck and then slowly made his way down his chest, pressing his fingers into the skin with one hand before kissing it. He splayed his fingers over Ronan’s stomach and when he got to the waistband of his boxers, he didn’t hesitate before pulling them down.

“Nod if this is okay,” he whispered but it was sharp and Ronan tried to decipher his expression, but it was hard to see in the darkness so he nodded as he propped himself up on his elbows. He watched as Adam kissed his hip then grazed his lips down his thigh. He gasped as he felt Adam’s teeth against his skin.

Then he fell backwards as the warmth of Adam’s mouth closed around him.

“Oh my God,” he breathed and then suddenly Adam was gone. He glanced down to see that he was looking up at him. “Oh fucking come off it, Adam. Just- can you- _please_ ,” he said.

“Say my name again and I’ll think about it,” Adam replied, smirking.

“Adam,” Ronan said.

“Again.”

“Adam.” He smiled the syllables and when Adam took him in his mouth again, he kept saying it. He tried to keep his hands balled in the sheet either side of him, scared to touch Adam in case he pressed too hard but he suddenly couldn’t help himself and besides, Adam’s fingers were already digging into his thighs hard enough to sting. His hand reached for the back of Adam’s head and pushed him closer with each downward movement. He felt as he hit the back of Adam’s throat and it was enough to send him over the edge. 

He could taste himself as Adam crawled up his body to kiss him, but he didn’t care, he just wanted Adam closer.

“Do you want to know a secret?” Adam whispered and Ronan nodded although he wasn’t sure Adam could tell this close up.

“This isn’t real,” Adam said and he pulled away from Ronan’s hungry mouth.

“What do you mean?”

“Thief,” Adam said and the easy smile suddenly fell from his face. “Wake up, Ronan. You need to wake up.”

“What?” 

Pain rocketed up through Ronan’s body, searing his veins, his lungs, his throat and he sat up abruptly in his bed in his room at Monmouth. He had half a second to take in his surroundings before he threw up in his own lap.

It seemed the pill had worked after all. He’d never felt so awake when he was dreaming before. It scared him that Kavinsky could create something that powerful. He shivered and tried to remember what Kavinsky had said. He’d told Ronan to think of him. But Ronan had thought of Adam. 

He needed a shower. He needed a strong drink. He wondered if the pill had caused him to dream of Adam in the way that he did. He wondered if it would have done the same thing if he’d been thinking about Kavinsky.

He felt sick again but he managed to keep it down. He knocked the other pill onto the floor as he reached for his phone. Unsurprisingly, he had a message waiting for him.

_“sweet dreams”,_ it read.

He ignored it and went for a shower, turning the tap on hot enough to raise red patches all over his skin. He threw up again, heaving until his body was weak and shaking. He thought that maybe the pill had been intended to kill him after all. Maybe it was poisonous. He decided to sleep in the shower after that, not sure he could make it to his bed without collapsing.


	5. Chapter 5

Adam woke with a start and checked the time. It was 10am. He never usually slept this late. He sat up and sniffed, he felt as though he’d caught a cold over night but when he dabbed the back of his fingers to his nose they came away covered with blood. He was having a nosebleed.

He quickly went to the bathroom and got through an entire roll of toilet paper before it finally started to slow, then stop completely. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and at the skin around his nose and mouth that was now stained red. He looked away.

He tried not to think about Ronan as he washed his face and got dressed, but it was always difficult not to worry about him after they’d had a fight. Last night he’d waited outside Monmouth Manufacturing for Ronan to come back out, but he never did. 

Apprehension twisted in his gut. He knew he’d have to face him today. Gansey was rounding them all up for yet another visit to Cabeswater but Adam was dreading it. Not only would he have to see Ronan, he’d have to be underneath the watching trees, their thoughts and whispers around him as well as in his head. He ate a protein bar that tasted like cardboard in his mouth and he tried not to think.

He was out on the curb when Gansey pulled up, not wanting to keep him waiting and his stomach dropped predictably as he noticed that the car was full. Ronan was in the passenger seat and he didn’t look out of the window to acknowledge Adam as they came to a halt. Adam ignored this and climbed into the back.

“Good morning,” Gansey said cheerily as Blue and Noah smiled at him. He returned his greeting and stared at the back of the seat where Ronan sat. He remained unmoving and silent and nobody questioned it. Nobody needed to, but nobody dared either. He seemed to be in a foul mood.

They drove on and Blue talked quietly with Noah, filling the car with a low, comforting murmur.

“Drop me off here,” Ronan said suddenly.

“What?” Gansey asked, slowing but not stopping completely.

“Here,” Ronan said and he leaned forward. “Damnit, Gansey! Here. Just fucking pull over here.”

Gansey stuck his turn signal on and braked hard, swerving to the edge of the road as everyone jolted forward in their seats, before bouncing back again. 

“Aren’t you coming with us?” Gansey asked as Ronan climbed out of the Pig.

“No, I’m meeting someone,” he said and he closed the door. 

Blue looked around and counted the four of them with a finger, then her expression changed to confusion. “I don’t get it… We’re all here. Does he have other friends? Because I was under the impression-”

“Kavinsky,” Adam said with sudden realisation.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Gansey sighed and he turned in his seat to look at Adam who had just been watching Ronan walking away to the nearby gas station. “What else did he tell you last night? Because I’m pretty sure he slept on the bathroom floor and he’s in the worst mood this morning,” he paused and glanced at Blue, “well, worse than usual.”

Adam felt sick. The only two explanations he could come up with for Ronan sleeping in the bathroom was that he’d either got too drunk to function or he’d taken something and been too out of it to make it to his bed. He imagined him sprawled on the floor, his eyeballs moving behind his closed eyelids. Asleep on the surface, but awake inside.

“He didn’t tell me anything more than what he told all of us at Nino’s,” Adam said finally. “But we got in a fight about the pills.”

“Yeah, I spoke to him after he got in. He was really angry,” Noah said quietly.

Adam suddenly felt guilty. He didn’t realize Ronan had been so upset. He knew he could hold a grudge, but he usually got over it, especially when it was Adam. For some reason, this felt different. 

He longed for the simplicity of lying beside him in bed and being able to talk freely. He loved the intense and hot-headed side of Ronan, but he also loved the quiet and tentative Ronan that gazed wide-eyed in the darkness, unsure and waiting for Adam to show him what to do. The hitch of his breath, the feel of his shaking hands. 

“I’m gonna go talk to him,” he said.

“Is that a good idea? Gansey asked.

“Probably not, but one of us has to go,” Adam replied. Gansey looked at him for a second before nodding. Adam couldn’t help but feel deja vu from last night. He’d offered to go after Ronan and everything had gone to shit.

“We’ll wait for you,” Gansey said.

“No, it’s alright. We can walk back from here and you know what Cabeswater gets like when he’s angry,” he replied and he saw Blue shudder in the corner of his eye.

He got out of the car and was hit instantly by the heat of the day. He had made it all the way to the gas station when he heard the Camaro pull away. He didn’t watch it go, focusing on his target.

Ronan was browsing postcards on a revolving stand as Adam approached and he looked up. Adam had the distinct feeling he hadn’t been expecting it to be him as his eyes widened, then quickly became cool and unamused.

“Your ride just left,” he said flatly and he placed a card he was holding back onto the stand and he eyed Adam before speaking again. “So, what’s this then? Did Gansey send you after me again?”

“I wanted to see if you were okay,” Adam said.

“I’m fine, Parrish. Thanks for asking,” he said with a sarcastic smile. “Now if you wouldn’t mind pissing off, I’m meeting someone.”

“Kavinsky?”

“Yes,” Ronan replied and he began to walk away.

“Did you take them?” Adam said before he could stop himself. Ronan paused and turned to stare at him, fixing him with the same look he’d given him the night before in the car outside Monmouth.

“It’s none of your business,” he said and then he turned as a car roared onto the small parking lot beside the gas station, too bright with the sun reflecting off the white paintwork. Adam was sure it used to have a graphic of a black knife on the side, but this Mitsubishi was bare. For a moment he was relieved, maybe it wasn’t Kavinsky.

But his relief was short lived as Kavinsky himself climbed out of the driver’s side door, white rimmed sunglasses sitting atop his head. He was smirking. Prick.

Ronan strode over to him and Adam had no choice but to follow. 

“Lynch,” Kavinsky grinned. “And… Parrish?”

Ronan turned to stare as Adam stopped beside him, he looked furious at having been followed. 

“You should have brought Dick and made it a party,” Kavinsky continued, then he looked at Ronan, rife with sarcasm. “You look fresh-faced this morning. Good sleep?”

“You’re gonna talk straight with me, or we’re not gonna talk at all,” Ronan said darkly and he turned to Adam as if about to tell him to piss off again, but he stopped short, his eyes widening. “You’re bleeding,” he said.

Adam was having a nosebleed again and he swore under his breath, cupping his hand to his nose. It wasn’t the torrent it had been earlier so he turned away and quickly pulled his t-shirt up to dab at it. He hoped the blood would come out and he hadn’t just ruined a perfectly good shirt. He sniffed hard and the taste of the blood in his throat made him feel sick.

“When did you start having nosebleeds?” Kavinsky asked and Adam was surprised to see that he wasn’t smirking. He looked genuinely serious. 

“What’s it to you?” Adam snapped back, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand.

Kavinsky turned back to Ronan. “I tolerate _your_ bad attitude, but attitude from Parrish just pisses me off.”

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Adam said and Kavinsky’s eyes roved over him lazily.

“Answer my question then. When did the nosebleeds start?”

Adam glared at him as he spoke through clenched teeth. “This morning.”

A wicked smile appeared on Kavinsky’s face then and he looked back at Ronan. 

“Motherfucker,” he said.

“We’re not doing this here,” Ronan said, his voice dangerous. 

“I think we are.” He looked from Ronan, to Adam, then back. “So tell me about the dream?” 

“How did you do it?” Ronan demanded, ignoring his question.

_“You know,”_ Kavinsky replied meaningfully.

“It’s not possible,” Ronan said, “I thought I was awake. It was…real.”

“Ronan-” Adam started. The pills. He’d taken the pills. Horrified realisation washed over him along with something that tasted bitter in his mouth. He prodded at it cautiously in his mind. He knew this feeling. He’d felt it over and over again as a child. Impossible Betrayal. Impossible because there was no promise of loyalty in the first place, simply a feeling Adam had made up, a loyalty he had assumed should be there. Fathers shouldn’t hit their sons. Friends shouldn’t break their promises. Though he knew Ronan hadn’t promised anything to begin with. And maybe Ronan wasn’t just his friend. But maybe that made it worse.

“They’re _almost_ perfect,” Kavinsky said, as if Adam hadn’t spoken. “I just need to fix the vomiting, the headaches and,” he glanced at Adam, “the nosebleeds.”

“What?” Adam demanded. “ _My_ nosebleeds? How are they-”

Ronan turned to him suddenly, his expression hard but earnest. “Please just give us a second. Please.”

Adam would have refused if Ronan hadn’t been quite literally begging and if he hadn’t already been retreating quickly into the safe reassesses of his mind, closing the door, protecting himself first before anyone else. The way it had always been.

***

“He’s well trained,” Kavinsky said as he watched Adam go. “That’s cute. So when did it happen? I was under the impression your ass belonged to Dick Gansey, but maybe not. Unless both of you like to-”

Ronan didn’t think, he just punched Kavinsky as hard as he could and he careened back and hit the Mitsubishi with bruising force and fell to the ground, gasping in pain.

“I’m not here to listen to you talk shit, K,” Ronan spat, standing over him. “Tell me how you did it. And tell me what the _fuck_ it was all about.”

He waited while Kavinsky struggled to his feet, a hand pressed to the blooming red patch across his cheek.

“Well, that’s not how you get answers,” he said and for once he was glaring, not smirking.

“Well, I’m not gonna beg. You gave me the fucking pills, you owe me an explanation,” Ronan said.

“You fucking took them. I wasn’t there forcing them down your throat. You made the call, you wanted to know what they were like.” A smirk broke through his glare at last. “You were curious. So now you can figure out the rest.”

Ronan rubbed a hand over his closely cropped head in exasperation. “I was thinking about Parrish, so I dreamt about him,” he stated, hoping Kavinsky would pick up from there.

“That’s the general idea. I can only guess about the nature of the dream. Me and Prokopenko have both tried it now. I got a nosebleed after his dream, but he didn’t get one after mine,” Kavinsky said with a smile and a shake of his head. “Do you ever get nosebleeds, Lynch?”

Ronan’s chest felt tight as realization prickled across his skin. He’d had a nosebleed a few weeks ago, but he hadn’t thought anything of it at the time. Why would he?

“You have no right to think of me like-” he cut off, unsure of what to say. The thought of Kavinsky thinking of him in any description was uncomfortable, but this was mortifying.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you ask for Parrish’s permission?” Kavinsky asked sarcastically.

“I thought it was real,” Ronan said through gritted teeth and he stepped closer to Kavinsky, not wanting anyone to overhear their conversation. “How did you make them? How did you do it?”

“You know how I did it. I thought of it, and then I stole it.” He grinned. “In and out.”

“You’ve taken it too far this time,” Ronan said.

“It’ll only be too far when I’m dead.” His smile didn’t falter.

Ronan turned and walked away. He was done with Kavinsky. He was so fucking done. He heard him shouting after him but he kept walking, determined not to look back.

He tried not to panic when he couldn’t see Adam, but he dismissed it quickly, suppressing it enough to walk home alone. Only he didn’t make it home. He went to St. Agnes, though not to Adam’s place. 

He entered the church, the high ceiling lit only by the sun streaming through the stained glass windows. He walked up to the alter and got down on his knees, crossing himself quickly, before standing again. He wasn’t sure why he still felt the need to do it. Old habits.

He sat down on a pew and bowed his head. He didn’t pray. And he tried his best not to think either, though he failed. His head was throbbing and it had been since the moment he woke up, his body aching from a night spent curled up in the shower pan. He lay down on the pew but the wooden bench wasn’t much comfort and made his back hurt more. But he felt better like this. He’d lay here when he first dreamt Chainsaw and he’d clutched her to his chest. That was a comforting thought and he focused on it.

“Ronan?”

Ronan’s eyes snapped open and he sat up so fast his head started spinning all over again. Adam stood in front of him.

“Fuck sake, Parrish,” he grumbled, disorientated and confused how he hadn’t heard him approach. “Just give me a heart attack why don’t you. Jesus.”

“Sorry,” Adam said and Ronan suddenly felt bad.

“It’s alright,” he mumbled, then he looked up at him and narrowed his eyes. He felt dizzy and everything around him seemed hazy. Was this another dream?

“Is this… Am I dreaming again?” He asked.

“No, it’s real,” Adam said without smiling. If it was a dream, he’d smile, right? 

“That’s good,” he said, then rubbed his eyes. “God, I feel like shit.”

“What happened last night?” Adam asked suddenly, “after I left.”

Ronan removed his hands from his face and studied them, biding his time. “I uh, I took one of the pills and- and I must have fallen asleep.”

“And you had a dream, right?”

“Yeah… but it was so realistic, I thought I was still awake” Ronan tried to explain. 

“And what happened?” Adam asked.

“I went to see you,” Ronan said, looking down at his hands again.

“And?” Adam pressed.

“We, um…” He trailed off, embarrassed.

“We what?” Adam sounded impatient now.

“We kissed and… you, uh…” He trailed off again and he felt his face flush red hot and he knew Adam could see it. Why couldn’t he fucking speak?

“Stop this,” Adam snapped, gesturing towards him. “Stop acting like you can’t say things in front of me. Why can’t you just-”

“You’re pissed off,” Ronan stated and Adam gave him an exasperated look. 

“Of course I’m pissed off,” he said.

“Look, I didn’t mean to dream of you like that,” Ronan said quickly.

“What?” Adam looked genuinely confused. “You think that’s why I’m pissed off? I don’t care what you dreamt about, it’s not like we haven’t done that kind of stuff already. No, Ronan, I’m pissed off because you made me feel this big,” he held his thumb and forefinger a centimeter apart, “and then you stormed off and like a fucking _idiot_ , took the dream pills that Kavinsky just happened to dream up for you with _your name_ on after I asked you not to. I was so worried about you, but you- you don’t think. You never think. You just do and you expect everyone else to just sit back and watch you mess with yourself and-” He broke off suddenly and slumped down onto the pew beside Ronan, his head in his hands. “I was worried about you and you threw it back in my face,” he finally added, his voice slightly muffled.

Ronan didn’t know what to say. He felt guilty. He felt beyond guilty and he wanted to take it all back but he couldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” he said because that’s all there was to say. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Adam said.

“It does. It matters a lot and I’m sorry,” he said.

“You don’t understand. I just want you to be okay,” Adam said, ignoring the second apology, his voice softer. “I know what you do isn’t aimed at me and I just happen to get caught up in your shit-storm. I just- I need you to stop pushing me away. I need you to stop holding back all the time.”

Ronan didn’t answer him, he couldn’t. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth and he swallowed hard, trying to rid himself of the feeling.

“You’re a good person, Ronan and you deserve good things,” he said and he was looking at him now and Ronan had to look away. “Despite what you might think of yourself. I know you and God- you’re a good person and you need to stop punishing yourself for everything. You’re so, so good. That’s why I love you, you’re just-”

“Why you- what?” Ronan demanded and he had to look at him. He had to see the expression on his face.

Adam’s shocked expression mirrored his. It was as if he hadn’t meant for those words to slip out. Ronan suddenly panicked. What if he backtracked? What if he just meant as a friend? What if he said it just to make Ronan feel better?

“If you don’t-” He began.

“No, I do,” Adam said firmly, the shock slipping from his face. “I do.”

He shifted forwards slightly and seemed to wait for Ronan’s reaction, so Ronan turned his hand over on his knee so his palm faced the ceiling. Adam looked down at the movement and carefully place his own hand on top. Then he kissed him with such crushing force, Ronan was certain his lips would bruise. But he didn’t care. _Let it bruise_ , he thought defiantly, _let it._

The words “I do” buzzed around in his head, playing over and over and he finally pulled away from Adam’s kiss, just to look at him. 

This beautiful boy, this wondrous boy that looked as though he had been manifested inside Ronan’s own head looked back at him.

Ronan reached out and brushed his fingertips across his cheek, savoring the warm, soft skin. There was magic somewhere beneath the surface. 

“I do too,” he finally whispered and this time he brought Adam’s hands up to his mouth and he kissed them softly at first, before his kisses grew harder, his teeth grazing knuckles and then Adam’s mouth found his again. 

He pushed everything from his mind but this. He focused on lips and teeth and hands and thighs. He focused on a boy who had grown up with nothing, who had received nothing but disdain his whole life, yet still managed to care so fiercely and see someone like Ronan and call him “good”, and he reached forward and poured every inch of love he could muster into him and he held nothing back.


End file.
